I haven't written A blog for ages. I've been frightened. Frightened of starting something that takes me ages … then I have to edit it over and over again.
Could be perfectionism or something like that which I’ve used previously to avoid the criticism of others and the shame of being disliked – all rather egoic and such a blocker for creating.
It's a pattern. It's irritating. Now I know the pattern I'm choosing to do something about it.
New blog; new me.
So I'm going to get to the point AND edit only once – whhhhat! Then let the blog go out into the world.
I know I'm detailed, it has its advantages and disadvantages. For clients, I can notice what might seem trivial details in behaviours or words; these create patterns which are very revealing and useful for awareness– it’s part of my ‘dot to dot’ intervention I use.
Detail got me two 1st class honour degrees – Miss Detailed + Miss Edit … this of course could be a compulsion … yes never mind compulsive use of porn what about compulsive use of detail and editing!!!! Everyone has compulsions … what’s yours???
I have to say I loved my degrees, I loved studying yet I know it also served my unconscious beliefs well as it gave me worthiness from a place of not feeling worthy, it fuelled my sense of enough-ness from my place of ‘I’m not enough’ and it quietened my sense of ‘I’m not capable' – YES I am capable look at me I’ve got papers to prove it. Lovely that I recognise all these now as it means I can operate (in the main) from my heart/greatness and not from my survival needs.
I think most importantly is to recognise my detailedness is a strategy to not get rejected as criticism hurts and creates a deep sense of shame within me.
Everything has an advantage and a disadvantage. If you can recognise and accept both, it offers a life with balance and neutralises shame.
I remember reading a Gestalt article several years ago which stated that all anxiety is related to avoiding shame. I have pondered on that since.