Updated: Feb 15
All my life I have searched for who I was; every adopted child has a part of them that doesn't exist... a Mum that cannot be found... a family that cannot be seen. As a child, I made up who I was by creating bizarre, yet rational, beliefs about my existence.
"Most of my actions and behaviours compensated for a deep sense of abandonment, worthlessness, powerlessness and lack of belonging in the world."
It’s only been recently I have looked back on my life and recognised how much being adopted had invisibly directed me. Most of my actions and behaviours had compensated for a deep sense of abandonment, worthlessness, powerlessness and lack of belonging in the world. These unconscious beliefs carved into me from childhood. Part of me wishes I’d fully known about these years ago … well I say that however I’m not sure I’d have known how to be any different. Plus I have achieved many things unknowingly due to these unconscious beliefs.
I had no idea that I had a dysfunctional side of myself or that my behaviours were compensating for my unconscious beliefs. This is my LEAD side; the unchangeable, dense part of me forged before I had even reached 5 years old. Looking back, I can now see various points in my life where I unknowingly turned this LEAD side of me into GOLD. Now I consciously do so.
If it wasn't for the unconscious belief that I didn't belong (every adopted child has this one), I would not have dedicated my career in teaching to ensuring each child felt included and belonged in our classroom. My deep sense of disconnection led to a career of creating connections within school and with other schools. I loved creating projects that brought different pupils and staff together. I even managed to create a project that connected our school to two schools in Peru AND got to teach there AND funded bringing two of their teachers over here to experience our schooling. This was life changing for all involved so I am grateful of my unconscious belief and now acknowledge that transformation into GOLD.
There are 12 main unconscious beliefs and the two most prevalent are 'I am not worthy' and 'I am not enough'.
I use the word dysfunctional as these beliefs do not adapt with time. They inform my brain to say I'm still a child so present behaviour options that do not take into consideration wisdom gained through age or experience. The key function of them is to keep me safe so I'm not for getting rid of them (you just can't anyway) or dismissing the safety messages they offer me BUT I don't use them as my guide to life anymore. If I did I would not take any risks and I'd still believe that I didn't belong, along with all the other unconscious beliefs that have shaped my life ... I am powerless, I am not capable and I am not worthy ... all created due to my adoption.
To make the picture clearer, we form ALL our main unconscious beliefs from pre-birth to about four or five years old. There are 12 main unconscious beliefs and the two most prevalent are 'I am not worthy' and 'I am not enough'. Our mother develops our sense of worth in the first two years and our father develops our sense of being enough in the world from about two up to about four years old. From that point, many other beliefs and behaviours are formed due to these and by the time we are 35 we are a set of redundant programmes operating due to them. I remember stumbling across the work of the neuroscientist Dr Joe Dispenza. It is this quote that changed my approach to my lifestyle and the way I work with clients. It still wows me now!
It was too late and far too painful to connect with another mother type energy, just in case she abandoned me too.
As an adopted child, I knew little about my real family and took on some interesting beliefs about who I was. My Mum was very open about the fact I was adopted so I always knew I had another mum. Not sure this helped my relationship with Mum as I always felt emotionally distant. I recognise now that I had in part rejected her as in some way I knew she was not the mum I had abruptly lost the day I was born ... or the nurses who held me occasionally for the first few weeks ... or the foster parents who cared for me before I officially arrived in her arms aged 5 months old. It was too late and far too painful to connect with another mother type energy, just in case she abandoned me too.
My Mum and Dad were able to visit my foster parents when I was 3 months old. It took 5 months in all for the courts to legally finalise paperwork before I could arrive home to my adopted parents.
"... I’ve been an expert in creating lots of overwhelm in my life and not asking for help when I needed it. The black cloud of smothering overwhelm leading beautifully to periods of depression."
Mum used to say I never held her hand as I wanted to do everything myself. Seems obvious to me now as I had a valid sense of everyone abandons you anyway so I may as well do it myself. Adopted children are ultra self-sufficient; useful in terms of being independent however not useful when you believe you can take on the world on your own. So I’ve been an expert in creating lots of overwhelm in my life and not asking for help when I needed it. The black cloud of smothering overwhelm leading beautifully to periods of depression. I’ve always been able to pull myself out of this, in fact I am an expert at rising up after a period of low. Although it was the hardest pull when I had Fibro-inconvenience-myalgia a few years ago.
When I was 8, I can remember cycling down the main road on my bike pondering about adoption and for some reason thinking it meant I started off in the world in an incubator. In my imagination, I gazed at a lonely baby in a plastic, loveless container box with tubes attached to its body. Funny how that is how I had felt for the first part of my adult life, distant from others in my own container. Feeling alone and isolated even in a crowded room.
My Mum used to say Mary (the mother of God) was my other real mum. I think that belief lasted until I was in junior school. Then I thought ... How on earth could I be the sister of Jesus who lived 2000 years ago?! Plus he got crucified and like hell I was going through that. So who exactly am I? A repeated question I have asked until recently.
"I now know that feeling abandoned as a child in any form, either adoption or any type of absent parenting, leaves you with oscillating moods all through your life."
In my 20's I found out I was Irish (and other key information), I recollect listening to a Radio show that gave a fact about Irish people being more likely to suffer from depression. So I blamed my reoccurring deep sense of lowness on being Irish. I now know that feeling abandoned as a child in any form, either adoption or any type of absent parenting, leaves you with oscillating moods all through your life. If you don’t recognise what’s going on it can be a depressive path of hell.
"In essence, I lost the most important part of myself the day I was born, my mum. Unconsciously I have searched for my mum throughout my life in an attempt to feel whole, loved, worthy and safe."
Searching has been one of my life themes as every adopted child has a part of themselves that is unknown; a part that existed yet does not exist in the reality of the adoptee. No matter what love you get from your adopted parents (and I got plenty) that void is still present. Whenever I found what felt like a piece of the jigsaw of me, I was only temporarily satisfied. In essence, I lost the most important part of myself the day I was born, my mum. Unconsciously I have searched for my mum all my life in an attempt to feel whole, loved, worthy and safe.
My unconscious beliefs have created my uniqueness and my dysfunctions at the same time. I am who I am due to them and if I continue to behave in response to them I am acting in a dysfunctional, limited way ... as if still a child. I am sure you will have met many adults who seem to react to situations like a child. So my learning journey has unfolded to become aware of my unconscious beliefs and automated programmes so I can choose to create who I wanted to be from a place of all possibilities. One of the ways I have been able to do this is because I've learnt the difference between my dysfunctional chatter and intuitive insight. I listen to both and then choose to create a life based on my intuitive insight. This has taken time and effort BUT so worth it.
I am so bloody glad I now know how to turn this unconscious LEAD side of myself into GOLD, otherwise I would still be on my energy draining path of searching for the lost parts of myself. Now I’m all about creating and putting action into the creation of ME no matter what past I have or circumstances I encounter.
“Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. ” George Bernard Shaw
We all have unconscious beliefs that invisibly direct our lives; most people don’t know what they are so life takes them along on painful paths. A key part of my work is helping clients to know their dysfunctional side formed from their unconscious beliefs as this is the first step towards creating who they truly want to be and the path they want to walk on.
Many people see trauma events in early or later life and crisis points as doom and gloom. I see them as opportunities for growth and personal evolution. Wherever there is a trauma or crisis point there is also a growth point and a way that the situation in some way benefits them- this encompasses the law of polarity and synchronicity. I have had this proven time and time again. My approach is all about growth and creating whilst gleaning the wisdom of past events.
'... our brain processes 400 billion bits of information per second and we are only aware of 2,000 of them.'
For the past couple of years I have learned how to access and effectively use my intuition which is now a key element to all my work and has allowed me to create myself instead of find myselt. I did along the way recognise that I've been using my intuition all through my life without realising it. We all have this rather useful gift. Our brain receives an incredible amount of information each second, including intuitive information which is often dismissed. Dr Joe, in his neurological research, has calculated that our brain processes 400 billion bits of information per second and we are only aware of 2,000 of them. So it make good sense to tap into more of those 2000 bits so informed conscious choices can be made to create a more satisfying life and a more authentic version of yourself.
If you are at a point you feel you have lost yourself, want to turn your lead into gold or trying to develop a better relationship with yourself or within your relationship, I can help.